Dear Messrs Cameron and Corbyn,

I am writing you this short note to express my disappointment in both of you. Being English, you will both know that “disappointment” is about the highest level of pain, anguish and anger that a true Brit can feel. Yes, it’s that bad.

Disappointment in the Prime Minister for the reckless decision to hold a referendum on a status quo that so many people are dissatisfied with after years of exposure to the buffeting winds of globalisation: free movement of labour, a financial crisis started by tax dodging toffs, stagnating wages, yawning inequality and cuts to public expenditure. In the Leader of the Opposition for his apparent ability to marshal hundreds of thousands of young people to the cause of his career, but very few to the cause of Britain’s future. Well done chaps. Our country has gone from the dog’s bollocks to the dog’s breakfast in a week.

Now we have a situation where the motley crew of unlikely bedfellows known as the Leave campaign will be representing us in Europe. These people, fearful of strangers, strangers to economics and economical with the truth, will attempt to negotiate a departure, assuming they manage to tie their shoelaces and find St Pancras station.

Indeed Mr. Farage spent the other day abusing the Europeans before telling them how kind we will be to them if they behave like adults. I suppose someone has to. Farage clearly can’t tell the difference between the absolute and relative value of trade surpluses. He is the guy in the poker game who doesn’t understand the rules, who just pushed all our chips into the middle and then showed his winning hand with a gloating “HA! A pair of threes! Bite me you numpties!”. The other bewildered players are not sure if they should laugh at him, pity him, or just let him ruin himself.

Of course you know all of this and your own faces are probably also glued to your palms right now, so to business:

The referendum provides a mandate, but it does not bind a single MP to vote in favour of leaving. Indeed most of them are opposed to leaving, and so they do not represent their constituents.

They should be replaced at a general election.

The advantages of an election are numerous. We can endorse the new (or renewed) leadership which rises from the ashes of the train crash that is both of your parties. We can press on with our national decision with much more information about the effects of leaving. Most of us by now have googled what the EU actually is (blimey! Who knew!?). The cynical lies about funding the NHS or reducing migration have already been disowned by the Leave camp, and the predictions of the so-called-experts-we-should-and-did-ignore about an economic crisis will have had time to play out. We will have clearer idea of the deal on offer from the EU.

This provides the perfect opportunity for us to show our commitment to our fully informed decision to leave the EU.

Depending on the outcome, the newly elected government should pledge to invoke article 50 immediately, or abandon the “Leave” project altogether and wholeheartedly throw us into a renewed EU partnership – otherwise known as make-up sex. If, in the cold light of the post-referendum hangover – surveying the carnage of our national living room, strewn with job losses, racist bigotry and broken promises – we chose to remain, we should push for a better, sleeker EU that recognises and listens to the losers from the common market, instead of simply telling them that “we’re better off on average”.

Average doesn’t cut the mustard chaps. None of this whingeing on the sideline stuff, there is nothing British about that. In or out. Lead or leave.

 

Yours,

Half of the United Kingdom.