One idea I had was to move into the three bed terrace next door with Doug and Aled. Aled would just go along with whatever Doug and I decided, but Doug was shagging Catalina and was already talking about moving in with her. And then there was Rudi and Madeline. I work with them, and so moving out was going to make things a bit awkward at work.

But think of the freedom! No more having to consult everyone about everything. Chad and Bruce over to stay whenever I wanted. Perhaps I could even get a job in Chad’s outfit. No holidays, long hours, but good money.

I spent quite a lot of time daydreaming about it, but at the end of the day, the Ben Barka’s were still going to be my neighbours, one door removed, and if they didn’t end up in my garden or living room, Stav probably would. I couldn’t just lock out the whole world, or call Chad every time something got out of control. The Russian would still be over the road dealing crack, and cousin Ben Barking was still out there. But, instead of working out what to do over a shouty, boozy, mid-week barbeque with the others, it would be me and Aled watching TV at home. There was no way we could deal with the shit over the road on our own. We’d still have to get the whole gang on side. Except now, we wouldn’t be part of the gang.

In the end, we decided to stay.

It’s not in my nature to try to lock out the world. When we were younger, Dougal, Aled and me went everywhere (our crowning achievement was financing a trip to Goa from a bag of fake Charlie we sold in Canton).

Yes it would be suffocating, shouty and take forever to decide anything. But at least, when we did decide something, we could make it matter for the rest of the street.

The main reason to stay wasn’t because I was scared of being on my own. It was because those dodgy, leather thong-wearing, goat-husbanding, bullshit-talking, ouzo-drinking, combi-driving, boiler-fixing, rule-making, fiscally incontinent cleaning Nazis were like family for me now.

And when the shitski hits the fan-laden, so to speak, family sticks together.